">HomeOwnerNut

I live in Brooklyn, NY, where most people don’t have driveways, or yards, or several other things that people in my Michigan hometown have, e.g. more than 2 kids, an unquenchable hunger for Applebee’s riblets, a striking resemblance to John Goodman (side note: on a recent trip home my husband took a long look around the local Walgreen’s parking lot and remarked, “why do all the women in Michigan look like John Goodman?”)

Not from Michigan

However, I was just in Michigan over the holidays and I didn’t see a single driveway covered with artificial turf. Not one. In the few weeks I’ve been back in Brooklyn I’ve spotted four.  Before I continue this post let’s get two things straight.

1. There’s never a good reason to cover your driveway with artificial turf.

2. See # 1

Offending driveway

The first time I spotted the AstroTurf clad driveway I imagined that the owner had an embarrassing oil stain he or she (let’s face it, probably he) was trying to hide.  A few minutes later, on the same block, I saw another driveway covered with AstroTurf. What?! Perhaps both homeowners attended the same stoop sale where their neighbor, an owner of a Putt-Putt franchise I presume, was selling excess artificial turf from the construction of his newest fun center?

No Parking in the Driveway

I put it out of my mind. But then, a few days later, in an entirely different neighborhood, I saw a third AstroTurf-covered driveway. I stood there looking for clues. I found none. I forgot about it for a few days until earlier this week when, you guessed it, I came across another green driveway. Again, I paused. A man was walking past. He looked like he might be stopping, perhaps he lived in the house! Luckily I had some extra time for a little investigative journalism.

Me: Do you live in this house?

Man: No. Why?

Me: I was just wondering about the driveway. Specifically, why it’s covered in artificial turf.

Man: You got me. Say, you look familiar…

Me: But it is weird, right? I mean, artificial turf just doesn’t go there.

Man: Hey! Are you John Goodman?

What the sign should say (altered in photoshop, not real life)

HISTORY OF ASTROTURF

AstroTurf was invented in 1965 by three dudes, all employees of the evil evil corporation Monsanto, which you may be familiar with from its ongoing battle to put farmers out of business and ruin the universe.  Their artificial turf was first called “Chemgrass,” but was renamed AstroTurf after its first, and well-publicized, use at the Houston Astrodome stadium in 1966.

Canadian satirical newspapers have joked about the use of artificial turf in driveways. There’s only one thing I have to say about that:  even Canadians know that artificial turf on driveways is a no-no!

I do understand that most homeowners in Brooklyn don’t have a yard. Even if they have a driveway, they may not have a yard. And maybe they’ve always wanted their own residential soccer field? While technically possible, maintaining a grass playing surface indoors is most likely prohibitively expensive. But even if one  intends to hold soccer matches in one’s driveway, artificial turf, as I said before, just doesn’t go there.

Let’s review what we’ve learned, just to be sure we’re all clear.

On indoor soccer field = OK

On driveway = No (photo c/o thetoque.com)

But before I go Bonus Time! Here’s a joke I found while researching Michigan’s residential use (or lack thereof) of artificial turf:

Q: Why did the University of Michigan change their field from grass to artificial turf?

A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing at halftime.

Oh snap, that’s mean. And funny. But not true, really. Most of the Michigan women I know are beautiful inside and out. Except for the ones that look like John Goodman.

The better part of the last six months of my life has been spent contemplating exterior color palettes for the house I’m building, which means I can most often be found with my iPhone camera at the ready, taking pictures of any- and everything that may offer color inspiration.

Unrelated: Have you ever noticed how perfectly the tan color of peanut butter contrasts with white bread?

It’s possible that I just need to get over it and pick a color already, but bad things can happen when you don’t think through your color choices to the appropriate degree.

For example…

Attack of the Smurf

We all love smurfs, but perhaps this is taking the love of a childhood cartoon just a bit too far.

What interests me about this is the absolute commitment it takes to paint every square inch of a house, including the flower pots on the porch, the same color. And every slat of the shutters. Have you ever painted shutters before? Second worst home improvement job ever.

So when you get past the retinal scaring, you really have to applaud the devotion of this homeowner to their color choice. And let’s all hope for their neighbors sake that fluorescent green paint doesn’t go on clearance at Home Depot any time soon.

And speaking of Home Depot…

Home Depot, I Love You

Listen, I spend as much time in the lumber aisle at Home Depot as anyone, but despite the hours of my life that have collected in the dusty corners of that big orange building, I have never felt the compulsion to pay homage to it through the color of my exterior siding.

Like a car accident by the side of the freeway, this is both horrifying and fascinating. Seriously. I can barely tear my eyes away from this picture.

Obey Your Thirst

I think they term “lymon” is actually quite appropriate here. Thank you Sprite, for coining the phrase that perfectly describes this palette.

I feel like that stop sign in the bottom right was trying to tell these homeowners something.

Good Color: Not Synonymous with Boring

I know what happened to these people, and right after the spots clear from in front of my eyes, I’ll tell you.

1.) Budget Restrictions-  The paint was free.

2.) They’re colorblind – Colorblindness affects millions of otherwise well-intentioned painters. Luckily you can cure the side effect of holy-hell-that’s-a-yellow-house by simply turning to the person next to you in the paint aisle and asking, “Is this the same color as a highlighter?” If the answer is yes, put the paint chip down.

3.) Execution FAIL – They saw a house with an unusual color choice that turned out really well and wanted to have the same funky and unique style. Because the truth is, it works for some people.

See? This home has its own funky style… and the colors work with it.

Or even a more classically appealing blue…

And there are even some versions of yellow that will actually allow people to look directly at your house without incurring any vision damage…

But only if you view it in really small pictures. Like many other things, yellow paint sounds good in theory, but is really difficult to get right in execution.

One Rule to Choosing Color

A very smart person told me this once:

Find a color you like/love/cannot-exist-without…. then go two shades lighter.