">HomeOwnerNut

Here’s the thing… as a person who is soon to be breaking ground on a house addition I’ll be putting on with my own two hands, I make it a point to support other DIYers in the craziest of schemes.

Note: I said crazy, not stupid.

Here are some signs that the hardest thing you should attempt to do yourself is pick up the phone and call a professional contractor.

1.) If you think this is the proper way to get lumber to your jobsite, you probably shouldn’t DIY.

2.) If you have a hard time reading the numbers on a tape measure, call an electrician. And drywaller. And put down the caulk.

3.) If you don’t know what “revision clouds” are on a blueprint, ask a professional before you put a cloud shaped hole in the wall.

4.) If you had problems measuring the outlet placement on your wall, do not think you will have any better luck with a faucet. Hire a plumber.

5.) If you think “construction” is synonymous with “using odds and ends I find around the house to upgrade my pad”, set the old VCR tapes down and find a professional.

And last, but not least…

6.) If you don’t understand the laws of physics– particularly that smoke and ask does not just disappear into nothingness when it goes up the chimney– then hire a contractor.

Courtesy of the Darwin Awards:

(1999) A married couple wanted to keep their home fires burning, and decided to install a wood stove in their Granite Falls home. They figured it didn’t take a rocket scientist to install this basic bit of heating hardware, so instead of hiring a professional, they brought the stove home and installed it themselves.

They even remembered to cut a hole through the ceiling for the chimney vent. Unfortunately they neglected to extend the chimney through the attic to the roof. Pleased with a job well done, they settled down to a cozy evening in front of the fire. The inevitable happened. The heat and sparks built up in the attic and set their home ablaze, providing an unexpected source of warmth from above.

And then, let me add, burning their house to the ground.

If you don’t understand how it works, don’t install it. And sometimes, even if you do understand how it works, you still probably shouldn’t install it. Because obviously you have no idea what you’re doing.

For those of you whose IQ exceeds your shoe size, happy DIYing!

It’s too bad that so many well-intentioned people insist on painting their homes during their fourth week into a bender. Not that I mind a little drinking. But friends don’t let friends paint drunk. When you see the mad twinkle of artistic inspiration flood your buddy’s eyes like the dark glint off of a bottle of Jagermeister, it’s your job to hide the keys to the garage and put their rollers and spray guns into the trunk of your car until they graduate from a 28-day treatment center. To wit:

Exhibit A: Da Nang Shower Masterpiece
Obviously the ceiling fan in what looks like a tidy little shower facility near the Mekong Delta (circa 1968) doesn’t quite do justice to the camo theme. The idea, I guess, is you lay on your back on the floor and watch the fan, and repeat aloud, “I’m still in Saigon.”

Exhibit B: It’s the D-Tease
When you settle on an external home painting scheme with dots, you can never claim–ala Robert Downey, Jr.–that you came home late and accidentally went into the look-alike neighbor’s dream pad and crashed in the wrong bed.

Exhibit C: Go Gators (Pass the Dramamine)
Not a chance you went on over to Color Combos and checked for simultaneous contrast before trying this colorblind home painting scheme. Blue for me; orange for my homies!

Exhibit D: Fen-sooee
The in-laws complained when you threw up in their bed, so why not put them up in Lollipop Land when they return the visit? I’d eschew the concept of a bed entirely and just put a couple of burlap sacks on the floor, tatami style. Trendy!