">HomeOwnerNut

I am not the most practical person in the world—I’ll quit a job for no good reason or I’ll pack up and move cross country for the fun of it—but even I think certain things should be practical, and those things include your home. And while I am admittedly the designer of round-bottomed bowls that rock, I just can’t get behind the idea of applying that same idea to say, fire or a house. Now that just doesn’t seem safe. Not like my bowls.

Rolling Home

This cylindrical modular housing prototype from students at the University of Karlsruhe, featured on Archdaily, applies the idea of rolling not to a small component of a home, but to the home itself. This thing could really take port-a-potty tipping to whole new level. And I’d imagine drunk rolling could be a problem, too—staying home when you drink could be just as dangerous as getting in the car with this home.  Warn the neighbors!

Getting Fired Up

This flueless fireplace from Conmoto called Roll Fire may not be the safest choice, in terms of either design of actual physical safety. It rolls, balancing its stainless steel tank on roller bearings, containing the fire within glass walls that are held in place with magnets—though I think I’d prefer something a little more secure given that it’s containing moving fire.  If you’ve ever wanted a fireball in your living room, this is clearly the right choice for you.

Booking It

This bookshelf-cum-reading-nook by designer Zhdanova Irina, featured on Yanko Design, guarantees you’ll be honing your organizational skills, since you’ll spend a lot of time putting the books back in place every time it actually does what it’s designed to do—move. Maybe it’s a good way to teach your kids to be still, or if you’ve got a little OCD and just love to organize things, but for the rest of us, we should probably just stick with keeping our books in one nice, stable place. Dusting every now and then takes a lot less time.

After seeing all these, a nice normal, stable life is looking more and more appealing.

I adore craft—people with real skill who can actually make something are fantastic—but the “craft” people are another story, making cutesy things from felt solely because it’s just oh-so-adorable. That’s right, cute isn’t enough for me—I roll my eyes every time I see a cupcake (eating is another story), but that eye roll is accompanied by a short rant when I see one that’s been knitted.

But I know my horror at what people do to fabric, yarn, and my favorite foods is shared by at the good people at Regretsy, which features the most absurd products you can find on Etsy.

Exhibit One: Have It Your Way

Perhaps perfect only for a man cave, these hamburger scatter cushions can be stacked up into a complete burger or each piece can be used individually.  So toss that tomato aside, and sink back into a greasy burger. That’s my idea of comfort, or maybe that’s comfort food.   And at just $220, this is the fanciest burger you’ll ever lay eyes on (foie gras not included).

Exhibit Two: Breakfast in Bed

More of a breakfast pillow person? How about the Blue Plate Special pillow set.  Featuring the completely underexposed bacon, plus toast and sunny side up egg pillows. Take them into the bedroom, and you’ve got breakfast in bed. Please note that they’re made from 100% recycled plastic bottles, so they probably don’t qualify as organic. But recycled is close enough for food.

Exhibit Three: Stuff It

Adding a much-needed layer of practicality to the food crafts, the Hot Dog Plastic Bag Holder is as practical as it is attractive.  Not to mention, a hotdog is meat stuffed into a tube, so what could be more appropriate than shoving some plastic bags in there, too? There might be some in your hotdog anyway. It’s almost like conceptual art.

You may also want to know that while the standard hot dog is 30 inches long, “longer ‘hot dog’ available upon customer request”—but I’ll leave the obvious jokes about that to you, dear reader.

I should probably send each one of these crafters a gift certificate to McDonald’s, but they wouldn’t use it—it’s probably some sort of craft cannibalism.