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If clothes make the man, what do lawn ornaments make? A very Zen question, and simple as any Zen question on its surface. What does it mean about you when you plant a fat stone Buddha on your lawn? What if you put a pink flamingo there? Or a wheelbarrow powdered with rust?

Go ahead and consider your lawn and garden an expression of creativity and whimsy. But what I think as “fun” on the clothing-optional beach in Jamaica  is hardly “fun” on a sprawling lawn in the Disney-owned Golden Oak community.

A year ago this month I surveyed lawn gnomes for this blog and then tossed all night with foul dreams. Now, these detestable lawn ornaments fuel a craving in me for Imodium:

House exteriors and posteriors

Photo by Biranna

I really have little to say. I think the craze is dying out. Let us hope so.

In the garden of lost car keys

Photo by Odee

I’ve done it, spent hours in the backyard looking for my keys. One day my flop-flops up and disappeared. Then it was a T-bone, right off the grill!

Say it isn’t so

Photo by Bonnie Schupp

Bonnie Schupp spotted this lawn ornament outside an antique store in Tennessee. There are more than you think on America’s lawns. I found an article at Horse Info that claims that the first “Jocko” or groomsman hitching post was created by George Washington. Later, slaves escaping to Canada via the Underground Railroad found their way in part by the colors of ribbons tied to Jockos.

The goddess of lawn care

Photo by Eye Fetch

Anthropologists doing a dig of what used to be New Jersey found what appears to have been an ancient goddess of grass and lawns buried in a mound of broken branches, pipes, conduit and vinyl siding. Sometime before the 2012 Apocalypse foretold by Mayans, human beings in the Trenton area apparently erected their goddess statue, sat in a chair, drank beer and worshiped her.

Trolling for taste

Photo by Etsy

I always try to nail the dismount on this blog. Torn between going with a flamingo ornament or a gnome sitting on a mushroom, I chose this hybrid that celebrates three gnomes chowing down on a pink flamingo.

The horror.

Some of us want to live in multi-million-dollar homes in gated communities. Some just want to be safe and comfortable, while too many live in cardboard boxes or shelters. That’s why it’s difficult for me to believe in the Disney myth that there is a carefree land of tomorrow. I was stirred to see the story at Yahoo that some 450 homes are for sale now in Golden Oak, a Florida planned community owned by Disney, adjacent to its Orlando parks. Prices, according to Disney, are forecast from $1.4 to $8 million.

Golden Oak interior

Yahoo Photo by Dan Forer

Welcome to the  All-American living room, ala Disney. This dining/living room area has an animation cell look to it, doesn’t it? According to Golden Oak, residents and children have social and educational programs in concert with neighboring Walt Disney World Resort as well as movie nights, culinary adventures and more. For me, the mystique died the day I toured the backstage corridors of Disneyland where mascot mice had their heads off, tucked under their arms, while their human heads chatted and smoked. Anyway, I’m not going to make any additional financial or political remarks. Anyone who thinks Golden Oak will be free of disease, worry or red ants should look more closely at the neighborhood.

Coupe de vil

Just across manicured lawns of Golden Oak and around the curve is the home of ugly Cruella De Vil. Her home is often picketed by PETA members and sometimes puppies cry out in the night. She recently announced her candidacy for the homeowners association board.

A question of residential density

Just across the street, Ms. White, vivacious and sweet, lives in a home with eight cars parked outside. The window glass is always dark, so you don’t  know what they’re doing. Gnarly little dudes zip around the streets in their Minis. It’s like a commune of deadbeat uncles over there.

There’s one in every community

Once you’re in Golden Oak, a sense of security surrounds you. Ironically, this goofball mutt lives down the lane in a crooked house. Science reports very low brain amperage in the large, playful doggie. Every so often he gets excited and dizzy and loses control of the lawn tractor. You can see the rows plowed through the landscaping.

If you’re willing to put up with these characters for your own imagined peace of mind, visit Yahoo for more pictures and information about Golden Oak.