In my defense, we’ve been building this house for almost five months, and it’s not too over the top to show people our progress, right? Right? I nailed that cedar siding on with a hammer and my very own hand, the least someone could do is coo over it a little bit. In retrospect I probably come across as one of those people while the rest of the world gazes blandly at my iPhone slideshow of plumbing fixtures and is all, “and we care about this, why?”

Yeah.

So to all of you out there who are just a little too crazy about your houses, here’s a couple of social pitfalls that all proud homeowners should all be aware of.

1.  My house is better than your house. Oh yeah? Is your house on the honor roll and captain of the football team too? Being proud is one thing, but one-upping everyone else’s abode at every available opportunity? Let’s just say your house isn’t going to have anyone to play with on recess.
2. Listen to what my house did now. Like incessantly showing off pictures, I’m probably guilty of this too. My entire life is consumed by concrete colors and light fixtures and occasionally it’s hard for me to fathom conversation that doesn’t include words like “paint samples” and “house inspection.” And while I find these conversations infinitely more fascinating that sports-talk or current events, some people like to have actual lives outside of the walls of their home. You may be mentally thinking about flooring options, but if you still want to have contact with the sane outside world, pick another topic of conversation sometimes.

3. Bobby’s house has a new furnace and streamers on the handlebars, now I need one too. Okay 1.) no streamers on your house, and 2.) just because the guy next door has one it doesn’t mean that he knows what he’s talking about, that you need one, or that it would be right for your house. Feel free to be your own unique homeowner people, as long as it doesn’t mean painting your house any of these awesome colors. You don’t have to be your neighbors, but you also don’t want to blind them with your house paint.

4. Why don’t you come to our place? Again, guilty. It’s just so much easier when the party comes to you, although we tend to issue open invitations and don’t get upset if nobody shows. It’s one thing to be a hospitable host, invite people into your home, and treat them to dinner, cocktails, and the grand tour. But your close friends, who I’m sure love you and your house dearly, don’t want to spend as much time in your house as you do. The first time is gracious, the tenth time in a row, it’s probably just boring.

Are you guilty of these? Or better yet… know any other annoying homeowner habits to watch out for?

Really?

Blue?

And okay, speaking of blue, I once also tiled my kitchen counters in a 2″ blue tile– which looked fabulous, by the way, and just like the Arts & Crafts style I was going for. In the process, however, the contractor who was working on my house at the time suggested that I use a rounded black tile on the lip instead. Blue tile on the top, black tile on the side… no other black in the house mind you, just on the lip, because that’s what he’d seen on special at the Big Box store.

I suggested he remove himself from making any more design decisions about my house and did the lip in matching blue tile, as it should be. But I’m thinking that people who are stressed out with the house building process occasionally listen to people who are best suited for building houses and not picking out paint colors. Which in turn led me to question, how do those truly hideous houses come into existence.

1.) You listened to a contractor who thinks they are a designer. I mean, they build houses all the time so they must know what they are talking about. Right. Right?

You, my friend, are sentenced to the blue roof for 30 to life for that decision. Good luck to you.

2.) You think you are a designer, or know you are not a designer and are just testing out “being creative”. The truth is, there is nothing creative about painting your house purple and orange. You are not on to the next big thing. Its just that no one else does it because it looks horrible.

This isn’t an accidental ugly. This definitely qualifies as an on purpose, and if you live here, you have to take full credit for it.

Side note: These are definitely people who thought they were being creative and failed, as evidenced by the house number placement. I think there is an equal chance that the house number is 5625, or 5265. Not creative. Not functional. Just no.

3.) You just don’t know any better. That color looked so fresh and beachy on the two-inch square paint swatch…

I sympathize. Really, I do. I’ve been stressing over roof colors, trim colors, siding colors, what to color and what not to color, and the end result is anyone’s guess. Here’s the good news for those of you us that just don’t know any better… paint can be painted over.

Bad news… roof shingles can not.

What? The cat did it.

I could also probably solve this problem rather quickly if I would fork over cash for a cat bed that meets their lofty standards, because it’s clear they only like to nap on the most expensive thing in the room. Luckily there are pet beds out there for our loyal friends (and cats, too) that are sure to meet the most discriminating tastes.

My very own aunt sells artistic creations for those who have pets that prefer the fun and funky. The Smucci Muttise dog bed, for example:

Or, for those of us fortunate enough to be graced by the presence of cats, there is plenty of funky for them too…

Perhaps your pet prefers something a little more refined? Or pigs just may not fit into your decor.

Online pet “beautique” Beau-Tyes sells beds fit for furry royalty.

Or, if you’re looking for luxury a little less, um, curly to fit your style, look no further than this doggie chaise lounge from ohmydoggiesupplies.com…

For those of you who prefer furnishings a little more retro, there are also mod options from Like Kittysville’s Etsy store.

Okay, if you’re not a fan of the funky, the frilly, or the Hello Seventies! you must be looking for something a little more rustic…

Knotty pine doggie bunk beds perhaps?

This one is from Log Dog Beds.

As you can see, the options for pet furnishings that suit our homes are endless. It begs the question, however… what would our homes look like if the were decorated to suit our furry friends, and not the other way around?

Bob and Frances Walker of The Cat’s House can tell us the answer to that…

Over the top? Yes. Awesome? Totally.

I want to be a cat and live here.

Alternatively I’d be okay with being a dog and having my own place like this one from La Petite Maison…

Actually, I’m  probably okay with being a human living in a dog house this nice. Who says dogs have bad taste?

Where would you keep the giant eggs for the other 51 weeks of the year? Not the point I’m trying to make here, but one looks at a picture like that and wonders.

And even though we’re miles away from any other our-property-value-drops-every-time-you-bring-out-the-blowup-decorations holidays, is there really a season for absurdity?

Apparently not like there is for light-up deer. Christmas decorations beware.

Pumpkins, also beware.

On a more, uh, personal note… don’t think St. Patty’s day is exempt from over-the-top– or should we say under the bottom– holiday decoration.

Sometimes I think I should shoot for a humor level somewhat more mature than you generally find in a class of fifth graders. Then I remember that this world contains shamrock decorated toilet paper and I realize that hey, I fit right in here.

Which is why I think this is the best Christmas light display I’ve ever seen….

My second favorite is slightly less ambitious, which is exactly why it’s awesome.

And listen Internet, if tacky and snarky just isn’t your thing I’m not sure if we can be friends anymore.

I’ve always got the house of 1000 Pumpkins to hang out at anyway…

And no matter how obvious you think it might be not to stick your hand or other things you prefer keeping attached to your body into the moving parts of a machine, people have been known to do things that make you wonder if both of their remaining brain cells were taking a union break.

Same goes for any work that involves ladders, apparently…

Scaffolding made from straw bales… why didn’t I think of that? Oh, wait, because I like being not paralyzed. That’s why.

In this case, there isn’t even a ladder in sight. Which is part of the problem.

And okay, I’ll admit to having done this with two five gallon buckets stacked on top of each other, but three? That’s downright crazy.

And speaking of crazy…

The entrance and egress of a job site should consist of something other than a rope bridge. That’s my OSHA-approved tip for the day.

Go forth, wear your personal protective equipment, and sin no more.

And while it’s nice to look at these photo-shoot pictures for inspiration, we can’t all live magazine all of the time.

Some of us actually have to roll up our sleeves and shovel. Without TV crew interns to do all of the work for us. (I’m looking at you, HGTV.) So let’s talk reality people.

Here are some Real DIYers of Genius back yard ideas.

From Corey at Baltimore Row House, this small-yard transformation.

Really, has concrete block ever looked so good? I would have thought going for concrete over grass or wood would have resulted in a cold, uninviting look. Just the opposite in fact with the decorative lighting and built-in planter.

Brooke from The Little Orchard House went with something more organic, but no less inviting…

Her backyard space isn’t done yet, but I love the straw bales anyway. Pretty, practical, and flexible. And they smell good, too.

Sara from Russet Street Reno took one look at her overgrown almost-non-existent patio, and picked up a shovel.

And, a whole lot of pavers later, it’s a lush outdoor space.

I’ve even dabbled in a little outdoor building myself…

And by “dabbled” I mean I broke out the power tools and went to town.

Fit for a magazine? Probably not… but the things that real people do are fit for actually living in a whole lot better.

While I was writing an article about how to tile a floor without screwing it up, it occurred to me that actually, tiling is so easy that it may be possible you can’t screw it up.

And, that idea just died a miss-matched, grout filled death.

Let me revise that statement – using the proper tools, and spending just a small amount of time learning about the technique ahead of time– and it would be very hard to screw up the actual laying and grouting of tile.

That being said, sometimes even the best of us tend to go a little crazy when given free reign over the design of things. I think the best plan of action if you’re tackling your first tile-job is to start with a little inspiration that will lead you to a place of tile AWESOME and not, um…  the alternative.

In the Kitchen:

Stone and ceramic mixed in non-traditional sizes. Nevermind cooking in the kitchen, this backsplash makes my mouth water.

Something else that looks good enough to eat? The floor to ceiling ceramic around the stove in this Victorian home (courtesy of Hooked on Houses) .

In the Bath:

Mixing tile with bead-board to add a splash of something special to this bathroom? Genius! (And not just because I’m totally stealing this idea.)

Or, for a more nature-inspired spa-like feel, standing river rock. And hey, no grout… coming from someone who is still pulling gray clumps of sand out of her hair, that’s got to be considered a bonus.

Everywhere else:

It’s not just about 12×12 square tiles anymore. These Ferroker tiles come in large sizes and with metallic finishes that can be used anywhere in a home.

Move over wallpaper (does anyone actually wallpaper anymore?)  Yakara wenge tiles, also in 12×35  make a great alternative to painting or papering walls.

And don’t let a couple of bad mosaics ruin your creativity. Here is some information from Motawi Tile on assembling tile quilts and murals.

The possibilities are endless. Just don’t let them end like this:

* Thanks to uglyhousephotos for proving to me once and for all that yes, you sure can screw up tile if you try hard enough.

First, yes, I think I’ve made my stance on licensing people for home-ownership pretty clear.

And speaking of licensing, most states say you have to get one if you want to do stupid things to other peoples houses, but there really is no rule about the scope or amount of dumb things you can do to your own house. To some degree it’s reasonable to say that a homeowner shouldn’t have to take sixty hours of classes if they just want to lay a little tile in their shower. And yet…

You know, maybe it actually wouldn’t be such a bad idea. At least one of those hours could be dedicated to wonders of tile spacers.

But I don’t think it is too unreasonable to ask people to do a quick google search before starting any major home improvements. Running duct-work, for example. I think one would find fairly easily that no you shouldn’t just cut holes in exposed ducts to allow air conditioning into a room.

It is possible a person may also come across alternatives to rigging up a chute that deposits their (trash, water, valuables?) directly on to the front lawn.

I’m actually stumped about the actual purpose of this contraption, but I’m fairly certain it ain’t good.

Just like I know that a search for “can you fix plumbing with electrical tape” will result in one answer…

Bad. Idea.

The flip side of this coin is that occasionally a person might google something– using gray water to flush a toilet, for example– and learn that they can save the planet by, well…

Kind of brings a whole new meaning to the term “green” doesn’t it?

Note: I said crazy, not stupid.

Here are some signs that the hardest thing you should attempt to do yourself is pick up the phone and call a professional contractor.

1.) If you think this is the proper way to get lumber to your jobsite, you probably shouldn’t DIY.

2.) If you have a hard time reading the numbers on a tape measure, call an electrician. And drywaller. And put down the caulk.

3.) If you don’t know what “revision clouds” are on a blueprint, ask a professional before you put a cloud shaped hole in the wall.

4.) If you had problems measuring the outlet placement on your wall, do not think you will have any better luck with a faucet. Hire a plumber.

5.) If you think “construction” is synonymous with “using odds and ends I find around the house to upgrade my pad”, set the old VCR tapes down and find a professional.

And last, but not least…

6.) If you don’t understand the laws of physics– particularly that smoke and ask does not just disappear into nothingness when it goes up the chimney– then hire a contractor.

Courtesy of the Darwin Awards:

(1999) A married couple wanted to keep their home fires burning, and decided to install a wood stove in their Granite Falls home. They figured it didn’t take a rocket scientist to install this basic bit of heating hardware, so instead of hiring a professional, they brought the stove home and installed it themselves.

They even remembered to cut a hole through the ceiling for the chimney vent. Unfortunately they neglected to extend the chimney through the attic to the roof. Pleased with a job well done, they settled down to a cozy evening in front of the fire. The inevitable happened. The heat and sparks built up in the attic and set their home ablaze, providing an unexpected source of warmth from above.

And then, let me add, burning their house to the ground.

If you don’t understand how it works, don’t install it. And sometimes, even if you do understand how it works, you still probably shouldn’t install it. Because obviously you have no idea what you’re doing.

For those of you whose IQ exceeds your shoe size, happy DIYing!

Okay, maybe a little, but the fact that I’ve spent almost every waking hour in the last week thinking about the bathroom I’m remodeling probably has a little something to do with it as well.

Here’s the conclusion I’ve come to. Bathroom design would be awesome if it wasn’t for the pesky toilet in the middle of the room. I mean, what are you supposed to do with that thing?

Can you really blame people for, well… sprucing it up a bit?

The answer to that question is yes. Yes you can.

Not that having slippers that match my bathroom rug hasn’t always been a goal of mine.

Santa here is disturbing to me in so many ways, I can’t even begin to articulate them. Really? Santa’s face on the toilet seat? Someone actually thought this up, and then decided it was a good enough idea to bring to life. Amazing.

You wouldn’t think I could surpass that bit of ridiculousness, but people, this is the Internet. Let me introduce you to a knitted poo potpourri holder. Complete with knitted toilet paper accent.

Oh yeah, I went there. But lest we slip any farther into the depths of poo-humor, here’s a toilet decal from, Hu2 that I can’t decided if I love or hate.

Right now I love it, but hey… I haven’t gotten a solid eight hours of sleep in a few weeks.

I have a feeling this could get creepy during any late-night commode visits. But not nearly as creepy as trying to figure out how to use this thing.

The “Go with the Flow” yoga toilet. Those are two words you probably never thought you’d see together. Yoga. Toilet. But hey, it’s green (flushes with used sink water) so it must be good. I like green as much as the next person, but you have to agree that sometimes green is just another way of saying ick.

And sometimes “artistic interpretation” is just another way to say…

“Your house looks like a big toilet.”

Well, people are Crazy.

All hope is not lost, however. Designers are coming up with new ways that make homeowners everywhere want to come out of the proverbial water closet, and sit proudly on their thrones. Sometimes literally.

Don’t lie… you’d prefer this to the yoga toilet. Heck, it has a cup holder, what else do you want?

Oh, form over function is it? Well, then these are for you.

The Cell Tankles Toilet by Sung Hoon Mun

Or the Stefano Giovannoni Toilet

Or, my personal favorite, the Julien Bench Toilet by Troy Adams.

Good toilets should be neither seen nor heard. And should never ever be painted to look like gaping fanged jaws.

Ever.