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If clothes make the man, what do lawn ornaments make? A very Zen question, and simple as any Zen question on its surface. What does it mean about you when you plant a fat stone Buddha on your lawn? What if you put a pink flamingo there? Or a wheelbarrow powdered with rust?

Go ahead and consider your lawn and garden an expression of creativity and whimsy. But what I think as “fun” on the clothing-optional beach in Jamaica  is hardly “fun” on a sprawling lawn in the Disney-owned Golden Oak community.

A year ago this month I surveyed lawn gnomes for this blog and then tossed all night with foul dreams. Now, these detestable lawn ornaments fuel a craving in me for Imodium:

House exteriors and posteriors

Photo by Biranna

I really have little to say. I think the craze is dying out. Let us hope so.

In the garden of lost car keys

Photo by Odee

I’ve done it, spent hours in the backyard looking for my keys. One day my flop-flops up and disappeared. Then it was a T-bone, right off the grill!

Say it isn’t so

Photo by Bonnie Schupp

Bonnie Schupp spotted this lawn ornament outside an antique store in Tennessee. There are more than you think on America’s lawns. I found an article at Horse Info that claims that the first “Jocko” or groomsman hitching post was created by George Washington. Later, slaves escaping to Canada via the Underground Railroad found their way in part by the colors of ribbons tied to Jockos.

The goddess of lawn care

Photo by Eye Fetch

Anthropologists doing a dig of what used to be New Jersey found what appears to have been an ancient goddess of grass and lawns buried in a mound of broken branches, pipes, conduit and vinyl siding. Sometime before the 2012 Apocalypse foretold by Mayans, human beings in the Trenton area apparently erected their goddess statue, sat in a chair, drank beer and worshiped her.

Trolling for taste

Photo by Etsy

I always try to nail the dismount on this blog. Torn between going with a flamingo ornament or a gnome sitting on a mushroom, I chose this hybrid that celebrates three gnomes chowing down on a pink flamingo.

The horror.

Once again, as a public service, I’m here to announce voluntary manufacturer recalls cited by the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC). Even popular brand-name tools and appliances have their limitations. The Chefmate®  Blender sold at Target Stores made the CPSC homepage this month after consumers reported “serious lacerations” to their hands and fingers following the unplanned separation of the pitcher from the blade assembly.

Tools of destruction

Photo by CPSC

Some 304,000 units of the Chinese-made Chefmate® six-blade blender were sold at Target stores for $14 between September 2007 and February 2011. Read up on the recall at the CPSC. If you bought this blender (look for model #BL-10), contact Target Guest Relations at (800) 440-0680 for recall information, or visit www.target.com.

Lawn troubles? Oh, Deere

Photo by CPSC

September was a terrible month for John Deere. The CPSC announced recalls of 5,200 units of Deere’s  D100 Lawn Tractor. Flaws in the connections of the brake assembly to the transmission housing can cause brake failure and loss of control. Not a good thing. Read the CPSC report on the tractor that identifies specific model numbers in the recall.

Double Deere ya’

Photo by CPSC

On September 14, 2011, the same date at the D100 recall announcement, the CPSC reported that John Deere was recalling 15,000 tractors with Model numbers D100, D110, D120, and D130 — all with a 42-inch Edge™ Cutting System amid reports of laceration hazards. Consumers should contact Deere & Company at (800) 537-8233 for details or visit the John Deere website.

Midnight rider

Photo by CPSC

Completing the tri-fecta for lawn mower recalls in early September are Kubota Riding Mowers said to be prone to fire risks. Some 6,100 mowers were sold in the United States, April 2010 – April 2011 for between $3,600 and $11,500. Visit the CPSC for model numbers in the voluntary recall.

Pardon me if I let the grass grow out this winter!