">HomeOwnerNut

This is not about taking off your shoes, putting your laptop in a plastic bin, and walking through a radiation device. This is about Home Security.  Up here in the foothills, most of my friends own firearms. Now that’s home security. I’m moving soon to a rural community where no one locks their front door and they leave their car keys on the driver’s side floor mat.

Still, home invasion is nasty, and I’d advise everyone reading this to take whatever measures necessary to feel secure in the burg where they live.  There’s a distinction between common sense and paranoia. Let us observe the difference:

Common Sense

If you live in London, say, a Prikka strip may make for common sense. Europeans have a fine tradition of embedding shards of broken glass atop brick walls to prevent intruders.  According to Solon Security in the U.K., these sharp strips can be nailed or screwed into your outside walls. They come in a range of colors. However, laws in England require you to post a warning sign for would-be burglars that you have installed the barrier.

My Friend Flicker

Why leave a television blaring in your home while away when you can fire up this efficient TV impersonator that uses only 2 percent of the power? Of course, it’s available for purchase at Hammacher and Schlemmer.

Fake It Til You Make It

Why fake the television when you can fake a snarling dog? For $99, the Electronic Watch Dog plays the gentle, in-house sound of the rainforest when a guest approaches, but to an intruder, it sounds an alarm and the threatening growl of a watchdog.  Plus: there are no shots required or a nasty visit to the vet to shorten the wires.

Paranoia

If you must have the real thing, go all the way! Follow the lead of Anna Studer of Tell City, Indiana, and invite Shahzarah, queen of queens, home for a side of beef.  Now that’s peace of mind!

While some parts of the United States have had a little break from the heat this summer—especially here in Northern California—most of the nation has sweltered. Combine water shortages in places with relentless heat and you have a recipe for a dirt lawn. Not that I’m a big fan of lawns, anyway. They suck up nutrients better served to garden plots and trees. But let’s assume the average reader of this blog still likes to curl their toes in nice summer turf and roll the barbecue out for a few burnt offerings in September.

If you’re one of them, these yards simply won’t do:

The Winner

All around this great land, lawn repair and maintenance companies host “worst lawn” contests in conjunction with local newspapers. The winner (loser, really) gets a lawn makeover. This nasty Ohio lawn took the prize from nearly 70 entries. Congratulations to Melissa Martie from West Akron.

Fire Up the Barbie


Colorado Springs.com held its own contest for the ugliest lawn, with the top contestant winning $1,000 worth of materials and labor from a local nursery. I simply love the ambience of this submission.

Skin Them Shins

My personal favorite in the Colorado Springs contest has to be this stunner. It brought back memories of my college rugby days when we were told our team was to play a match at the famed Rose Bowl. The joke was on us: we played the match on the dirt, chips of glass, bottle caps, and worn grass of the Rose Bowl parking lot. But I digress…

Send a Healing

My heart goes out to the “worst yard contest” entrant at CBS 42 News in Birmingham, Alabama. The Trussville resident sent in this photo along with the following plea:

“I am writing to humbly ask for your help! From July 2008 to May 2009, I had 4 major surgeries to remove my colon. Because of major complications, I spent 62 days in the hospital, had a month of kidney dialysis AND lost my job of 12 years. I was bed-ridden for over a year. Right in the middle of this horrible time, I woke up to the sound of bulldozers and tree cutters, clearing the beautiful woods behind my house. Within a couple of weeks, everything was GONE! No trees, no birds, no squirrels! Over a year of blasting, machinery and hammering later there is a now a church (which is really not the problem) BUT every tree has been removed AND they put the dumpster just a few feet from my yard. Every day when I look out my window and see that dumpster sticking out of the “nothing-ness” it is a horrible reminder of the past 2 years of my life. I would really appreciate your vote so I can put some trees back to help hide the dumpster and build a healing place! I want to see the deer and the squirrels! NOT a dumpster!! I received a $6,000 estimate to landscape my back yard. I am focusing on getting better and very thankful for my healing, but I am still am not able to work. I want to bring “life” back into my yard. I need a healing place! I would be so very thankful for your vote and anything you could do to help us. Your friend in Alabama!”

You, dear entrant, deserve your own arboretum and greenbelt. I hope CBS done you right!